Police officer: You are drunk and yet you are driving very fast. Why?
Driver: I want to reach home before I cause an accident.
`Gentlemen of the jury,' said the defence attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, `the real question here before you is, shall this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a dark prison cell? Or, shall she be set free to return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Seaside Street, to spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little phone, 962-7873?'
Doctor, my wife has lost her voice. What can I do about it?
`Try getting home late some night.'
Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read in living room. `The family dog was lying in the den and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled above the noise, `For God's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?'
In its campaign to recruit paratroopers, badly needed in North Africa, the French Army achieved notable success with a poster at one of the busiest thoroughfares of Paris, reading: `Young men! Join the parachutist forces of France. It is more dangerous to cross this street than to jump with a parachute.'
But the spell of the advertisement was broken when someone scribbled at the bottom: `I would gladly join, but the recruiting office is on the other side of the street!'
A visiting clergyman was warned that some of the congregation usually left before the end of the sermon. When he rose to begin his sermon, he announced, `I am going to speak to two classes of people this morning; first to the sinners, then to the saints.' He proceeded to address the `sinners' for a while, and then said they could leave. For once, every member of the congregation stayed to the end of the sermon.