‘Is something the matter?’ asked the bartender of the young, well-dressed customer, who sat staring sullenly into his drink.
“Two months ago my grandfather died and left me eighty-five thousand dollars,’ said the man.
‘That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,’ said the bartender polishing a glass. ‘It should happen to me.’
‘Yeah’, said the sour young man, ‘but last month an uncle on my mother’s side passed away. He left me a hundred and fifty
‘So why are you sitting there looking so unhappy?’ asked the bartender.
“This month so far not a cent.’
Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a time bomb, which one of them had in his lap.
‘Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute,’ said the man carrying the explosive.
‘Don’t worry,’ assured the driver, ‘we have got a spare one in the boot.’
Dexter had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
‘What!’ shouted the boss. ‘I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?’
‘Are you nuts?’ replied Dexter. ‘That would have ruined my entire vacation!’
During a domestic quarrel the husband hid himself under a bed. At last the wife found him out. She asked him to come out. To
this he replied: ‘I am not afraid of you. After all I am a man. If I say won’t come out, I won’t.’
An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically going through the
‘What are you doing?’ the visitor asked.
The sick lawyer replied, ‘Looking for loopholes.’
The Duke of Gloucester, speaking at a luncheon in London: ‘A home accidents survey which showed that ninety
percent of accidents on staircase involved either the top or the bottom step, was fed into a computer. Asked how accidents
could be reduced, the computer answered: “Remove the top and bottom steps.”
A woman took her radio to a repair shop, explained that there seemed to be something loose inside it, and hurried out
to catch a bus.
Two weeks later, she went to the shop to see if the work had been done. She had not given them her name, so she
described the radio and what had been wrong with it. The assistant found the radio. It had a ticket reading, ‘Lady, screw loose.’
The tank of live lobsters at the seafood restaurant where Peter works is always popular with younger patrons. Once,
he was showing the lobsters to an angelic-looking six-year-old girl, who petted one of them and said, ‘Gee, I wish I could take
it home with me.’
‘Why? Peter asked. ‘Do you want to eat it?’
‘No,’ she replied. ‘I want to feed my little brother to it.’
A girl had just received an engagement ring and excitedly wore it into the office the next day. To her exasperation, no
one noticed it. After squirming through half the morning, she exclaimed loudly: ‘My goodness, it’s hot in here. I think I’ll take
this ring off?’
In his autobiography, American comedian George Burns recalled: ‘Of all the movies I’ve made, the only one that had
me worried was the one that turned out to be my biggest hit. Oh, God! The minute I accepted the role, I started to panic. Should
I be the one to play God? We’re both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighbourhoods. What kind of voice
should I use? I was very confused, so I looked up and hollered, “How do you play God?” There was no answer.
“The closer we got to the starting date, the more nervous I got. Then one night, I realized that no matter what, I
couldn’t be criticized. Nobody has ever seen Him, so who would know if I played Him right or wrong? That changed my whole
attitude. Now I couldn’t wait to get going. The week before shooting began, I rehearsed day and night-before dinner, after
dinner, during dinner, while driving, while exercising. I got so into the role, that one night, when I said my prayers, I realized that
I was talking to myself.’